Review

2015-09-23 12.34.51_Snapseed

Attack on Titan Movie 2 – Utter Garbage

Following hot on the heels of the Epic Disaster that was the first Attack on Titan Movie, Attack on Titan: End of the World proves to us that there is no such thing as too much suck. I watched and reviewed this trainwreck last month, but I just couldn’t get enough so I came back for more self-flagellation. In the wise words of Boromir:

Yes, wise words indeed.
Yes, wise words indeed.

Where to begin?

Let’s start with the length. This movie. Is too short. Just like. This sentence.

It’s not even an hour and a half, and the first five minutes of it are a recap of the first movie, a recap that nobody needs to see. But that’s beside the point, when you consider that the movie just starts and ends way too fast, with hardly anything happening. There is too much padding and not enough story, plot or interactions going on to justify a full movie.

Why did director Shinji Iguchi even split this into two movies? Two words ring in my mind, and they start with “Cash” and end with “Grab.”  After seeing the second movie, I am fully convinced that the two movies should have just been one movie, make it a two hour movie or so, but just one movie, so I wouldn’t have had to waste money buying two tickets.

two-tickets
Why buy one when you can waste your money and buy two?

All our bad friends from the first movie are still here, like “Bad Characterization” and “Bad Motivations” and “Bad Plotholes.

From here on, I will discuss some Spoilers, so be warned.

When Eren is being held by the Military Police as a traitorous scumbag titan thing, he is about to be shot and only Armin sticks up for him. Mikasa, Eren’s “ex-girlfriend” doesn’t so much as flinch. What is it with Mikasa and being horrible in this movie?  The real Mikasa would have slain every MP in that room without blinking, the moment one of them so much as looked bad at Eren.

This impostor Mikasa not only fails to give a damn for Eren, she is so weak and powerless, she can’t even protect what’s important to her. What happened to the Mikasa who slew titans like she were crushing ants? In this movie Mikasa is just a stupid damsel to get punched, kicked, beaten and otherwise thrown around like a wet sack of potatos. It’s painful to see Mikasa like this, it would have been better if she weren’t in the movie at all, if she were to be reduced to this garbage.

Then there’s funny motivations. The original characters in this movie do all sorts of weird things, but we don’t really understand it all too well. Humanity’s Strongest, Shikishima, is apparently a rebel without a cause. He just wants to kill everyone inside the wall, well, for no real reason. He says it’s because mankind’s petty rulers are the enemy, not the titans. But what we know of his character is that he is sad about people dying and being eaten by Titans, he is never portrayed prior to his big reveal to have hated the government (heck, he even works for them). The government isn’t even really depicted as some kind of bad government, at least they keep people alive! Which is more than I can say for Shikishima. Anyway he gets his marbles back “just because” at the end of the movie so no biggie.

Then there’s the nonsensical plot holes? When Eren is saved from the Military Police by the Armored Titan, General Kubal is crushed and killed. But wait!!! The good General actually doesn’t die from this … and has the power to fight the Armored Titan, who is his sworn enemy. Inexplicably, he doesn’t fight back, nor does he take the opportunity to kill Hanji later, he just… waits for some inopportune moment later to laugh at Eren and make his reveal… because the Director Said So.

I know it looks big, but this movie has holes that totally dwarf this one.
I know it looks big, but this movie has holes that totally dwarf this one.

Heck, this movie doesn’t even stop at plotholes, it even decides to break the laws of physics by instantaneously transforming Eren and Shikishima’s clothes and the room they are in without prior warning. In one of the weirder scenes of the movie, Eren and Shikishima are in a white stone room with a jukebox playing, “The End of the World.” It reminds me a bit of that scene in Lost where a radio in an underground shelter is blaring.

But the funny thing is, Shikishima plays a movie in this room revealing who created the Titans, and after the big reveal all of a sudden he is sitting on a sandy beach on a white beach recliner, the only thing missing is a pair of sunglasses and a glass of mojito. Eren has a similar chair and by all rights they should be lounging out checking out the chicks in two pieces while sipping mojitos.

Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be dissintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

You want Lesbians? We got Lesbians.

Even weirder is Sasha, who in the first movie was paired up with Armin. Here, all of a sudden she asks Mikasa if she’s with Shikishima. After Mikasa denies there’s anything between them, Sasha smiles, and the next flurry of scenes includes all of the cliches we’ve seen in Rom Coms and Shoujo Manga.

That includes, but is not necessarily limited to, Sasha getting jostled by the bumpy car ride to fall into Mikasa’s arms, Sasha sitting beside Mikasa on a picturesque outlook to flirt, Sasha giving Mikasa flowers, Sasha looking in tears when Mikasa takes a beating, and perhaps the most telling: Sasha giving Mikasa her potato, and Mikasa smiling like a lovestruck schoolgirl as she hands it back.

I mean, what the hell.

And worse, they suddenly drop this development and go back to pairing Sasha with Armin without skipping a beat.

No, seriously. This movie had lesbians!
No, seriously. This movie had lesbians!

Wrong, wrong. Double wrong.

There is just so much wrong with this movie, from Jean just being disagreeable with everyone and everything for no real reason, to Hanji being a useless moron, to Mikasa being worse than a useless moron, to Levi not being in it, and the hilarious ending where Eren fails his promise to Mikasa to “bring her to the sea” when Mikasa finally does something right, saving Eren, bringing him up to the wall, and lo and behold right outside of it is the sea, and Mikasa ended up bringing Eren to it.

I mean, there has to be a limit to how much a movie can suck, but this movie must have broken a Guiness Record somewhere.

The worst thing is, the movie made me realize how stupid I was, because everyone else apparently learned their lesson from the first movie and didn’t go to see this one. I, the idiot that I am, did, and went to an empty movie theater. Thanks guys for making me feel like an idiot. You could have shown me some solidarity!

That lonely movie theater. This is on premiere day in SM Southmall.
That lonely movie theater. This is on premiere day in SM Southmall. Took it just right before the movie started. Apparently they didn’t expect too many people to watch the movie either, as they actually took out the seats up front and put traffic cones there. A grand total of six people, including myself, came to watch the premiere.

And finally, as if to add insult to injury, the movie actually has a post-credits scene, one that is so “WTF” that it reminds me of the ending of the first Mazerunner movie.  Apparently, Director Higuchi was so confident that his two masterpieces would do so well that he hints at a third movie to come with this final scene.

I mean, you gotta admire someone with his balls and confidence, right? If you sweet talk with enough confidence you could sell crap to a sweet tooth diabetic.